Comments on:

By: jeannine

jeannine — Sat, 25 Mar 2006 04:08:00 +0000

Thanks Esther, Carol, Anne, Ivy and David for your comments – very helpful!
Mary and Steve – I can’t wait!
Charles – yes, I remember! That was a really fun conference! I’m so bummed I missed my hero AS Byatt there last year…

By: Charles

Charles — Fri, 24 Mar 2006 16:14:00 +0000

Wow, you were here at the ASU Conference that year?? I introduced Adrienne at that reading. It was one of the greatest moments of my MFA experience here. :)

Crazy that we've crossed paths again!

By: Ivy

Ivy — Fri, 24 Mar 2006 15:13:00 +0000

Hey Jeannine, I preferred the first one but it could do with a bit more tightening -- sometimes the sense was ambiguous, e.g.

My father made a casket for each son
in case his only daughter
survived all her brothers
I might inherit the kingdom
My brothers were cursed
I could not speak a word and then

I thought some punctuation after 'brothers' would be good, either a full stop or an em dash, or something like that, otherwise the enjambement caused it to lose sense for me.

And also, didn't she sew the seven shirts, but the seventh shirt was missing a sleeve, so that one brother had a swan wing? I think that might be an interesting detail to incorporate. Or not. ;-)

Hope that helps.

By: David Vincenti

David Vincenti — Fri, 24 Mar 2006 14:01:00 +0000

Gee, I hate to come late and bring dissent, but I think the phrases have better flow in the first one. I think the semirhymy one has a couple of abrupt points driven by stanza shape. Since I'm usually more interested in the way the words hit the ear, I find that less appealing. However....

The structre of the first one and the repetion of "nettles" and "shirts" made me think it wants to be a sestina if any form at all. That would be a larger one, but an interesting rewrite.

Don't you hate it when people completely reinterpret your question? Sorry about that.

By: Steven D. Schroeder

Steven D. Schroeder — Fri, 24 Mar 2006 05:11:00 +0000

Hee hee. Jeffery got his already because he lives about an hour and a half away from me. Y’all’s went out Tuesday or yesterday, I think, so they should get to you soon.

By: Anne

Anne — Fri, 24 Mar 2006 03:21:00 +0000

I am surprised by this, but I like the rhyme-y one better, I think. Although I kind of like the ending better on the first one — I’m not sure why.

Envious that you got to see Rich! She has been *so* important to me ever since I started reading her, around 1980 or so when I was an undergrad, and I’ve never actually managed to see her, and I’m afraid I may not get to.

By: Penultimatina

Penultimatina — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 22:40:00 +0000

I didn’t get mine yet Jeannine…I’ve just been mooning over the website. Can’t wait to get that copy, though. So glad my poem will be hanging out with yours! 🙂

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 20:21:00 +0000

Hi Jeannine
I think the rhymed poem has lines that are compressed and tighter, which allows the ending to be that much more of a release.
Thanks for sharing.
Carol

By: Esther's Writing Works

Esther's Writing Works — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 19:53:00 +0000

Jeannine

I'm going to print these out, but on quick reading I like the second. Thanks for the info on Rich. Esther