Resilient, Cheerful Chipperbot Me Refuses to Reboot: a Week of Mostly Terrible Things

When the Inner Chipperbot Will Not Reboot (AKA When The World Seems Like a Trash Fire)

The rain has returned to the Pacific Northwest. That’s normally not something that depresses me, I’m a lover of fog and mist, but somehow, with the news cycle full of evil hate and poetry deaths, a week of being sick (and that feeling that I’ll never be well again), and seven (!!) rejections in as many days including one from a press of my new book that I was pretty hopeful about, has meant – well, the inner chipperbot in me refuses to reboot. The cheerful, resilient me – the me that looks at the bright side and makes gratitude lists – is noticeably absent.

I’m tired of hearing a non-stop news cycle that includes a student athlete being shot by an ex-boyfriend she had tried to get protection from but of course everyone failed her so she’s dead, a racist shooting people in a Kroger too close to my old hometown of Cincinnati (in Louisville), and even more disturbing –  some asshole sending pipe bombs to anyone Trump has ever publicly encouraged violence towards which is 100 percent the fault of the President even if he didn’t physically send them, and political attack ads on every second (I’ve already voted, television, stop playing those ads!) I am tired. I am sure you all are tired too. Feeling angry, feeling helpless. At least we can vote – so make sure you make your voice heard. But sometimes even that can feel too small.

Appreciating Writers Before They’re Dead, and Trying To Stay Happy (or at Least Balanced)

I was reading the essays praising Lucie Brock-Broido in the latest issue of The Writer’s Chronicle – which were nice, but I thought, wouldn’t it have been nice if she had had this kind of tribute while she was still alive? Then Tony Hoagland died, of pancreatic cancer. Lots of posts on social media about how much he meant to different people…we’ve been losing poets at a fast rate. It seems to me that if you like a poet go write them a note immediately, write a review of their book – write that essay while they’re still alive to appreciate it! Go buy their book and ask them to sign it. Life as a poet is tough. (Don’t I know it!) So if you love a poet, show them their value now. You never know what they’re going through.

And I went to the hospital last week with a surprise attack of violent vomiting, where I apparently picked up a bug that’s left me feverish and achy all the rest of the last week. With the fever, comes the inevitable MS symptoms – weak legs, dizziness, mood swings. I’ve been sleeping a lot, only waking up to receive rejections and see the terrible news get even worse. I had a specialist visit where the doc expressed some skepticism about the latest MS drug I’ve been assigned, which – I mean, sorry to say this to my fellow MS-ers, all the treatments really suck both in terms of effectiveness and scary, terrible side-effects. With my other issues – the problems with surprise vomiting attacks, the liver tumors, my allergic reactions – it’s tough to find a drug that doesn’t make you worse rather than better. Sigh. Because they don’t really know how MS works, they don’t really know how to treat it, cure it, or even make the symptoms better. Some of my MS friends have had great results on their MS drugs – for ten years or more – but others have had miserable side effects and had to quit them all.  That’s why I support charities that specifically work for an MS cure, like Accelerated Cure Project for MS.

I’ve tried some of the things recommended by my MS-therapist and others: trying to rest, draw pictures of birds, write poems to express my feelings (mostly GAH), gentle stretching, listening to music, watching only classic movies and kitten videos. None of these things has worked to alleviate my overall bad feelings. One thing – and I’ll be honest – that gets me down after twenty years of banging on doors in the poetry world is still getting them slammed in my face. No, I’m not good enough for that press, this grant or fellowship, that journal, whatever. Ugh. It just makes me want to give up. If you’ve ever given up on a job or a dream, I will not be the one to throw judgement at you. Life is mostly hard, and when obstacles keep getting thrown at you, sometimes you have to pick and choose what you want to continue to really pursue.

The Importance of Your Support Network

One thing I’ve thought about is the importance of a good support network – friends you can count on to listen and not just talk about themselves and their problems, family that will go the extra mile, former students and mentors – and the importance of nurturing that network. Because you can’t expect friendships to run on nothing – you have to put in the love and encouragement and little things that make a relationship good. When something like a chronic illness or political upheaval or a work reverse in fortune hits, it’s important to have friends to help you navigate, to help remind you the world isn’t a vast curtain of pain and chaos. Someone who will listen to you when you’re in a bad mood, maybe play a game or invite themselves over for coffee and a visit. I have some really lovely friends that don’t live nearby who show me love – whether by sending long letters, flowers, cards, donations to an MS charity in my name – and those people really make a difference. It might seem small to you, but it probably isn’t small to the person you’re thinking of. You are probably making a difference and you don’t even know it, to someone who really needs it. Right now the world really needs a little extra sunshine, love, candy, and kitten videos. I know this post hasn’t been at all upbeat, but I am grateful to the people who go out of their way to be kind – thank you.