Appearing around the Web and Feeling Blue under Blue Skies

First, let me thank Jim McKeown for his kind review of Unexplained Fevers at RabbitReader:

http://rabbitreader.blogspot.com/2013/05/unexplained-fevers-by-jeannine-hall.html

A version of which I think might be on his local radio show!

And thank you to the new site VerseWrights which did a little feature of poems from all three of my books here:

http://www.versewrights.com/jeannine-hall-gailey.html

Warning: The Rest of the Post Contains Unedited Feelings about being a Writer

So, as usual, I know I have plenty to be grateful for. But lately I’ve been feeling blue, and more than that, scattered, a bit at a loss for what to do next. I don’t know if it was the let down from turning 40, or publishing a third book, or my mom’s stroke, or the variety of exciting health challenges (including, yes, unexplained fevers of 101 for days at a time) – coming to the end of my year as Redmond’s Poet Laureate – but I’ve been feeling blue. Also, like I’m starting to ask for more from life – if I’m going to put the time and energy into something, I want to feel like it’s worth it – this applies equally to poetry work or doctor visits – and that just smiling and playing nice doesn’t always get results. Maybe this is what happens when “nice girls” like me get older – they notice that being nice all those years didn’t really work out in the way we thought it might. I think I have already said all this in poetic form for the last few books.

Like I said, I have plenty to be thankful for, that is for sure. But having a job that actually could pay off my student loans? I’m missing that. The ability to deal with jerks in a way that doesn’t give me a migraine and autoimmune flareups? That too. And if I’m honest, I’m not quite – after more than a decade of doing what I’ve been told to do – studying (then teaching,) volunteering, publishing, reaching out to the community, self-promoting in hopefully a non-obnoxious way, being diligent as I know how with reading, writing and submitting – where I’d like to be as a writer yet. These three issues (along with the health stuff) have been literally keeping me up at night, anxious thoughts spinning despite soothing Paris memoir reading or putting on soothing comedic television like Futurama or 30 Rock (usually both send me right to sleep, in a good way, with their familiar humor.) I’ve been talking in my last few posts about not whining, about taking positive steps and resisting self-pity. But what happens when we come to the limits of what we, with our limited scopes or abilities, are able to do? Do we keep hoping and crossing our fingers that things will get better for us, somehow? Wish upon a star? Or just change our life entirely? I’m looking for a sign from the universe, and that is usually a sign in itself.