Being a Jerk Versus Playing Nice – a Christmas Message

So, I just got done with a nice Christmas visit with my folks, who flew out here from Ohio for the holidays. We celebrated an early Christmas, and we had a surprisingly artsy visit: we went to our local art center, VALA, to watch painters at work and fabric artists, went to Woodinville’s Lavender farm to try artisan gluten-free macaroon cookies by a new Redmond bakery and lavender tea, went to small independent shops to get treasures for our family members, as well as the Zoo’s gift shop and the Microsoft store for toys for the nieces and nephews (future scientists and techies, I’m sure of it.) The parents were excited to take pictures of me with the Erratic sculpture (to be found on the railroad tracks near Redmond Town Center) that I wrote a couple of poems about for the city of Redmond as their Poet Laureate. I read my folks one of my new pieces of short fiction, which was fun to get reader responses to. We talked about books, and read a little of that “Outliers” book out loud. My artist friend Michaela Eaves (who happened to do the cover art for my first and third books) came over to visit with my folks for a bit. It was fairly low-key but really pretty cheerful, and we even had a tiny sliver of blue sky a couple of days (as good as it gets in Seattle in December.) While they were here, I had a couple of good pieces of poetry news, as well. It was nice to be able to celebrate that stuff with someone who cared (thanks, Verse Daily!) And thanks to those who have been buying my books to give as holiday gifts – I love that!

Anyway, tonight, after my parents are safely on their plane back to Ohio, I’m going over the water on a ferry to celebrate the holidays with some of my writer friends, and I’m really looking forward to it. These are writers I’ve been going to a writer’s group with for over a decade, and the whole time, we’ve looked out for each other, cheered each other on, encouraged one another with book manuscripts and dealing with rejections. I was also thinking about the writers I’ve found on the internet who share some of my health struggles, how helpful it’s been, and the kind of bond that creates, being open about stuff like that and talking “shop.”

It made me think about an article that’s been making the rounds about the advantages of being, well, not so nice in academia, and the rules probably apply to the poetry world as well: http://thesiswhisperer.com/2013/02/13/academic-assholes/  To summarize, the article talks about how though people see people who are clever but nasty to others – insulting them, trash talking behind their back, making snide comments in public forums like conferences – are seen as unlikable but cleverer and more effective at their jobs. Now, you might not expect this from someone who wrote a book called Becoming the Villainess, but really, it’s not just an issue of a moral or feminist nature or whatever, but it’s something I believe we can change.

I know that most of my writer friends strive to do the opposite – to be positive in public about other writers as far as they are able, striving to avoid the gossipy backstabbing that can feel like a darker part of the writing world. (Of the sort demonstrated in Kelli Agodon’s post for Writer’s Market’s blog this morning, see here: http://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/5-favorite-poetry-collections-kelli-russell-agodon) We tend to make friends with people whose poetry we like, which makes sense (some of my favorite poets in the Northwest have become friends over the years.) I feel like young women in particular, sadly, are often the victims of not only sexual harassment when they’re in grad school and at conferences, but also a kind of snide sideswiping that affects their self-esteem as writers. I mean, we never talk about male writers in terms of their asses and hair, but I hear men writers talk about women writers all the time that way. Sometimes the poetry world can feel very cold, I mean, just think of how many times we get doors slammed in our faces as a matter of course. I often tell my young writer friends they need to be very tough to keep going as a writer, but really, can’t we make a choice to try to make the poetry world a little warmer, a little friendlier? It’s a rough world, but we can make it a little less rough.

It made me think that I would definitely be on the side of, not fake niceness, not dishonesty, but a kind of positive cycle of encouragement and intelligent enthusiastic commentary that flies in the face of what we as writers are “supposed” to do – that is, trash other writers to get ahead. I just don’t believe that is a cycle that is in any way good to participate in. It’s Christmastime, after all, a time for charity, giving, hugs, presents, stuffed penguins under the tree and mistletoe. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, it’s the darkest, coldest time of the year – a time to break out the festive supplies, light a fire, eat some cake even if you’re on a low-carb diet. It’s a time to remember that kindness and intelligence don’t have to be opposing features in your personality; that lifting up someone else’s good work to the light doesn’t cast shadows upon your own. I love writing a positive review about a book I really love, or sending a note to someone whose work I’ve gotten a peculiar charge from.

I have a lot to be grateful for this season, coming from a couple of years when I’ve been struggling not only health issues, but things like the financial stress and depression that results from health struggles. This season I’m looking forward to the new year, to being someone who does some good, who has some fun at AWP and the Skagit River Poetry Festival, who gets people together, who points a spotlight at work she loves and doesn’t worry if that makes her look “less successful or effective.” I’ll save the snark for people who really deserve it 🙂 Not to drag out a Bible verse, but hey, it is the root of a lot of good literature: “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not understood it.” And as I believe the great prophet Linus said, “That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.” (Now, tomorrow I’m going watch the Community episode “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas” – it’s one of the better Christmas episodes of any show ever, and it’s in stop-motion animation! Highly recommended, along with their episode making fun of Glee, “Regional Holiday Music.”)