Danger, Stress, Rejection – a Recipe for Happiness? Plus a New Review and a New Home

The last few months have basically involved me running a gauntlet of danger, stress, and rejection (you can read a bit about why starting at this post in Feb.) I was told I had malignant stage 4 cancer – multiple times, and after multiple tests. Some of these tests involved injecting me with multiple kinds of stuff that could basically kill me to help the docs figure out whether I had cancer or not (and I dodged a liver biopsy that several docs really pressured me to get.) I went to so many specialists that I can’t even list them all. During that time, I also unsuccessfully hunted for a house with many turned-down offers in a super-hot market AND had a record number of poetry rejections. The universe was handing me a lot of not-great stuff. 2016 was feeling like it was set up to be my worst year ever.

But here’s the strange turn in this story – yes, I was for sure miserable and grumpy during parts of the last few months. But I also started noticing small happinesses I had been ignoring or maybe even bypassing in favor of doing the practical, the business-like, the normal. I took more pictures of flowers – the cherry blossoms, the tulips, the lavender. I went on more walks and took more notice of the cool breezes and warm sun as the seasons changed, the smells of herbs and the birds that wheeled above me. I kissed my husband more. Even when I felt completely terrible and fearful, I woke up to the small kindnesses of those around me. I received notes from family and friends that I still have pinned to my wall, and remembered that love that is many miles away is still love. When some doctors drove me crazy with what turned out to be wrong diagnoses and bad medical advice, I felt so thankful when other doctors were extra thoughtful, put in more effort to be empathetic, and didn’t give up on what turned out to be a fairly complicated and difficult case. When my ankles and other joints worked, I felt grateful to be able to walk. When my stomach wasn’t acting up, I felt grateful for the delicious food – a cherry muffin, a cheesy omelet, a good avocado – I was able to eat. I flew on a plane for the first time in six years to go present a panel at AWP LA – and had a great time. I feel thankful for the encouragement and friendship I’ve been shown, and as a writer, despite the repeated head-thumping rejections, I feel like I’ve also been extraordinarily lucky in my opportunities thus far.

As we hid the mid-point of the year, we’re set to close (finally!) on a great house in our dream neighborhood at the end of the month. Although I’m still going through rounds of tests and specialist visits, the consensus from the doctors now is that I don’t have cancer, but a rare sort of tumor that we have to observe to make sure it doesn’t grow or turn into something malignant – but that’s a turn for the better. And I’m starting to turn my attention writing-wise, as we get ready to launch my fifth book Field Guide to the End of the World this fall, to new writing projects – what’s going to come next? It’s a good feeling, to be hopeful, expectant and looking to the future – instead of an end. But the past few months have taught me that looking at the end is sometimes a good way to sweep out of the way the doubt and fear, the ennui and annoyance that keep us from grasping tight to every good moment that comes our way.

In other news…my review of C. Dale Young’s The Halo went up today at The Rumpus! Young’s narrative involves surviving medical trauma and sprouting wings, so definitely worth a read!
http://therumpus.net/2016/06/the-halo-by-c-dale-young/