How to Survive a Terrible Year (End-of-year edition)

Carillon Point Holiday Lights

How to Survive a No-Good, Terrible, Rotten Year (end of 2017 edition)

Hey kids! How’s the holiday season treating you? Myself, stressed, still dealing with the limitations and frustrations of MS, cracked three molars in a matter of weeks, just got the temporary crown put on one which triggered more MS symptoms. I’m supposed to be out with friends tonight – but instead I’m home in bed. So, it’s been that kind of week.

But to be honest, it’s been that kind of year. If I sent out a holiday letter of this year to my friends and family, it would sound terrible, because this year has been terrible. Yeah, I was diagnosed with cancer, went through a lot of testing, found out I didn’t have cancer, spent two months vomiting and unable to walk, got diagnosed with MS, spent six months learning to walk/talk/swallow/function again, and now that’s where we are. Sweet! Happy holidays! A really great message, right?

But I have learned some things about how to survive a straight-up terrible year – and yes, I am including politics, the world in general, in the things that made up this particular year, because everything on every channel was disaster all the time, and if you’re a girl who’s been abused, double that. Also, nuclear anxieties.

Five Things to Help You Survive a Terrible Year

Here are some helpful thing that I did that I recommend for you during your own version of a terrible year. And believe me, I have heard from some of you and you guys had a worse year than me. Seriously. Comparisons help no one, but still, I’m sorry if that’s been the case.

Have people around you that make you feel better. Have them over for tea even if you think you look terrible, your house isn’t perfect, etc. Being around other humans you love who love you – be they family, long-lost friend, co-worker, or just a fellow journeyer through a particular road (you both lost people you love, you both got diagnosed with the same thing) can really increase the happiness value in your life. Especially if you’re extroverted, like I am, but forced to remain in captivity for a while, for whatever reason.
Pets can absolutely help. Anyone who doesn’t know this has not had a dog or cat or tiny horse come cuddle up to them when they hurt, when they’re tired, when they’re crying. There is nothing that they cannot help feel better. I have two fluffy cats but there is room in my life for a real menagerie, if my husband wasn’t allergic to all the rest of them. (Tiny horse, you are in my future, I promise!)
Comedies. I mean, this is not the time to tackle long Russian novels about murder or take on a Netflix series about suicide. No. This is the time for funny. Classic screwball comedies – Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn, Barbara Stanwyk, – work well. Or sci-fi nuttiness – Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Futurama – or beloved recent shows like 30 Rock or Community (an underrated classic, check it out.) These were my drugs of choice. I may have even watched a few Hallmark movies. No shame in that, they always have happy endings and the amazing lives of the heroines (tenured Yale job AND a bestselling novel? Why not!) will cheer you up for at least a little bit. My little brother highly recommends video games as a distraction for pain relief, and you know what? He’s not wrong – there is real science that says you will feel less pain if you play video games while recovering from surgery, for example. Anything to take your mind off of yourself and your pain. Which brings me to…
Do something nice for others. It may not seem like the natural time for charity, you may not be feeling particularly generous, in fact if you felt grumpier and more Scrooge-like than usual, that would be normal. But doing even a small thing for someone else – opening a door, chatting in line sympathetically to someone obviously struggling, sending someone a care package, card or flowers – these don’t only cheer up the other person, they will cheer you up. Believe me.
Art saves us. It does. I have written a ton, a ton of poems during my terrible year. Probably not all great. I have also listened to a LOT of audiobooks. I read poetry. I surrounded myself with as much visual art as I could, when I could, and music. I listened to a lot of new music. I tried to go out of my way to support other artists in the ways I could (I couldn’t write as many reviews this year – typing was difficult for about four months and my mental capacity was absolutely affected by the MS for a while – but I could buy books, literary magazines, chapbooks.) Make time for yourself to draw, read, listen to music.

So those are my top five tips for surviving a terrible, shitty, no-good year. If you have more tips and wisdom to share, I welcome them in the comments, because I am still trying to get by the best way I can without becoming a giant pain to everyone else. That is sometimes the best we an do.

PS: One little extra thing – try to celebrate the little moments of joy, of being out of pain, of being able to do things – as you can. Life is not about being constantly happy. In fact, it is often about suffering (like many works of art tell us, including The Princess Bride and Joe vs. the Volcano.) But there are the small things we can celebrate in the moments in between that make our bodies, our souls, capable of sustaining the pressure. I tell myself often: you have to give your body a reason to live. You can’t just expect it to keep going for the sake of going. Remind yourself of the good things. Buy a damn candle or some flowers, yes, pet a dog, buy a kid a book, give someone you love a hug.

It’s that time of year again – poetry presents! Copper Canyon holiday party report, Supermoons, and more…

: Sylvia poses with my haul of books from Copper Canyon’s holiday party

: me with Traci Brimhall and Michael Wiegers at the Copper Canyon party

: Glenn and I pre-party

It’s holiday time, and that means more parties and more poetry! It can be stressful on the schedule but I think it’s worth putting in at least a few celebrations (for me, in between doctor and physical therapy appointments and calls to insurance companies – fun!) Last night we attended the Copper Canyon holiday party, which was a lot of fun, and got to see Traci Brimhall read from her new book, Saudade. And I came home with five new books of poetry, to keep or to gift!

We also celebrated Christmas a little early because my little brother was in town, and we wanted to have “Christmas” dinner together. And there’s a picture of the giant supermoon that appeared that night!

: Sylvia had too much eggnog!

: Me and Glenn posing with Shakespeare the cat and my brother Mike

: Supermoon over Seattle

And remember, a poetry book makes a great present! There were so many good books out this year! Poetry is a very personal gift, but also something I think more people need after a year that was stressful for so many. Here’s a link where you can buy any of my five books – either signed directly from me or from Amazon. Do think of supporting artists and writers around this time of year – it means more than giving a gift card and it improves the world of culture at a time when it is under attack. I already bought some art prints that I’m going to frame and give and of course I have a stack of books for gift bags for friends!

New Poem up at American Poetry Journal, a reading at Open Books, and Holiday Lights at the Botanical Gardens

New Poem Up at American Poetry Journal’s new issue

First, thanks to American Poetry Journal, a poem from my new manuscript-in-progress, “Another Attempt at Disaster Preparedness,” is up with their new issue here:

https://www.apjpoetry.org/one-more-attempt-jeannine-h-gailey It’s always wonderful to see work from a manuscript you’re working on get published, because it gives you a little more confidence . If you read this poem and the poem from Redactions that I linked in the last post, “Self-Portrait as Appalachian Ballad,” together, you’ll sort of see the themes of the new book!

MS Relapses and the Bellevue Botanical Gardens Holiday Lights

It’s been a busy couple of days, both poetry-wise and in actual life. Apparently I had a little MS relapse, which showed up in horrible dizziness, fatigue, and weakness, but a few days of steroids have me feeling much better. I’m learning to recognize when MS is “acting up” – there’s a prelude of fatigue and dizziness, and then boom! I can’t walk without falling over again. It’s frustrating, but I’m learning.

On one of the days I wasn’t feel well took me to the Bellevue Botanical Gardens to see their yearly holiday light show. I had to be back in a wheelchair, but it was a beautiful, unrainy night and I really loved seeing the holiday lights. Here are a few details – a blue heron, a spider web, an aquarium scene and Glenn and I enjoying the lights.

: Aquarium scene

: Blue Heron in lights

: Glenn and I in the glow of lights

: Spider and fly in web

Kelli and Victoria at Open Books

Tuesday I was able to rally enough to go see Kelli Russell Agodon and Victoria Chang read at our poetry-only bookstore Open Books. I loved seeing poetry friends I hadn’t seen in a while, browsing through Open Books, and hearing poetry. A really good night. Here are a few pics and a picture of my take from Open Books (I already had Barbie Chang – I recommend it!)

: Sylvia with my book haul from Open Books

: Kelli and I pre-reading

: me with the two readers, Kelli and Victoria

More Fallout from Guys Being Creeps and NPR Loses Writer’s Almanac and its Archives

Yesterday was a sad day in that Garrison Keillor has been fired and Writer’s Almanac is no more. Years ago, Writer’s Almanac featured two poems from Becoming the Villainess, and it helped bring an audience to my poetry that would never otherwise have found it. Now that the archives are no longer up and the show’s disappeared, I can’t help but feel a little loss. I do hope NPR decides to have a new show that features contemporary poetry. May I suggest a female host, NPR?

Cyber Monday Special and a Pushcart Nomination, and Survival Skills for the Sick

Bellevue Botanical Garden Lights

This year’s tree

Cyber Monday Poetry Special!

Hey guys! Consider supporting poets and poetry today on “Cyber Monday!” I’m offering a special – all five books for $62 including shipping! Otherwise, a dollar off all individual books plus free shipping! (That would make Becoming the Villainess $11, She Returns to the Floating World $11, Unexplained Fevers $14, The Robot Scientist’s Daughter $14, and Field Guide to the End of the World $14.) Of course I will sign these as well if you like!

You can e-mail me at jeannine dot gailey at live dot com or just use the handy Paypal button below!

A Pushcart Nomination

I wanted to say thank you to Redactions and Tom Holmes for nominating a poem from my new manuscript-in-progress, “Self-Portrait as Appalachian Ballad,” for a Pushcart. I’ve been nominated before but never included in that sacred anthology, so hopefully I have better luck this year with this year’s judge. You can read “Self-Portrait as Appalachian Ballad” as well as Redactions’ other Pushcart nominated poems here.

Survival Skills for the Sick (Holiday Edition)

I surprised myself by decorating most of the weekend, getting Christmas cards, writing poetry, reading, and not doing all that much shopping. We had a relaxing Thanksgiving, just Glenn and I, not doing much, and that was maybe good for me. Usually I am type-A get-it-down-girl starting the day after Thanksgiving. But I had a crazy week last week with the doctors. dentists, which left me with a lot of vertigo and fatigue (apparently these are my big MS symptoms.) Those appointments are so stressful and it is so easy for someone (with any chronic health problem, not just MS) to let them take over their lives. I struggle with trying to protect myself and trying to have a balance between stressful/horrible things (unfortunately, we often can’t avoid the worst parts of life) and the joyful, affirming parts of life – being with people who bring out the best in me, spending time in nature or with art or music or animals. There’s something about health that doctors never touch on – the need to reaffirm within ourselves that besides the prescriptions, the onerous tests, the therapies and the medications, we need a reason to keep on living. We need to motivate ourselves that there is a reason to suffer through the rest of it. I have a lovely older friend who has had cancer a long time who has been such an inspiration to me, joyful, youthful and determined to enjoy her life. She told me that one of her secrets is to treat her body as a friend, not an enemy, and to schedule happy things before and after chemo treatments and surgeries. For her, having something to look forward to is as important to her treatment as the medical stuff.

Starting a new MS drug soon – Tecfidera – which has some scary side effects but hopefully will be effective in slowing down the inflammation and growing number of lesions in my brain – is an exercise, really, in hope. You hope the new drug will help, that the side effects won’t be too bad or keep you from living the rest of your life. Going to occupational, physical, and in my case, vestibular therapies are also exercises in hope – in hope that you will get better, feel better, regain some of your lost capacities. Hope is really an important component in the treatment of disease.

So I am wishing you, both my healthy friends and those who aren’t, hope and joy this holiday season. In the middle of the mayhem, be sure to pencil in a few hours of down time. Make your favorite dinner, or a batch of cookies, put on the music you like (I’ve been playing the Lumineers Cleopatra album and Aimee Mann’s Mental Illness, along with the cable Yule Log Christmas carols) whether it’s holiday-appropriate or not, watch a happy-making show or movie, talk to someone you like over the phone. Spend less time with the news. Read a few poems, write a few poems, get lost in a murder mystery or Paris memoir (two of my guilty pleasures). Don’t be so hard on yourself, your body, your ideas of what the holidays should be.

: Kitten Sylvia enjoying her phone time

: Glenn’s magical cranberry meringue pies

Playing Defense Against Life, Happy Thanksgiving, and Starting MS Treatment

Happy Thanksgiving, and Thanks for this review!

Thanks to Brian James Lewis for this kind new review of Field Guide to the End of the World at Hellnotes just in time for Thanksgiving gratefulness!

I got to visit Margaret Rhee’s class on pop culture and fan fiction and that was really fun – I even came up with a flash fiction exercise! And the class was really bright and asked good questions. Thanks, Margaret, for asking me!
I am also super grateful to my friends and family for the love and support they have sent my way, keeping me tied to the “real world” while I tried to recover from the sudden onset of severe MS symptoms. I’m also thankful for sunbreaks in November, my cuddly kitten Sylvia, and gardening stores that have cheerful displays despite the oncoming dark of winter.

: Sylvia, displaying proper post-Thanksgiving napping style

: Glenn and I at Molbak’s poinsettia tree, getting ready to be merry

: Glenn and I at Bellevue Botanical Gardens fountain

: Glenn and I at Bellevue Botanical Gardens, with the last of the autumn leaves

Playing Defense Against Life

You can’t really do it, can you? I used to be on defense on my soccer team and I was pretty good at it – so far, not so in the “life” team. I’ve been trying to practice the best self-care I can lately, but last week I cracked off a large part of a back molar on one side, then two days later, chipped off part of a totally different molar on the other side of the mouth. Dental work (just an exam, xray, and grinding down the sharp points – the real work won’t happen til later) meant a resurgence of tooth pain and TMJ, and following it the next day with an MRI meant even more tension and grinding. And then I gave myself a concussion getting into the car in the rain. Nightmares every night this week – and did I mention a different doctor and dental appointment every day of last week – and today?

MS Treatment Begins

So I got the results yesterday through e-mail from my most recent MRI and not only does the neurologist think it’s definitely MS, enough for the insurance men to be happy with the official diagnosis, but I’ve actually increased the number of lesions in the last four months, and the inflammation hasn’t decreased the way the neurologist had hoped. Now the “lesion load” has gone from “low” to “moderate.” Seems like my brain is really angry. I went in for the neurologist visit today and he’s recommended gabapentin for the nausea and dizziness (which he believes is caused by inflammation on the brain stem lesion) and immediately starting a new MS drug called Tecfidera. We’ll see how I do – they both have a couple of nasty side effect but Tecfidera is one of the most effective treatments they have. (meaning it’s about fifty percent effective – still pretty pathetic in terms of effectiveness, in my mind.) First the doctor has to convince the insurance I can skip trying two other drugs most MS patients have to try before taking Tecfidera – he’s using the unusual ferocity and quickness of the onset of lesions this year as his reasoning. So much busy work has to be done by doctors – and because of required testing, patients too – just to get care. It’s insane.

Anyway, needless to say tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I can barely chew on my broken teeth and because of the TMJ. Wah wahhh. I’m trying to be thankful, I really am. Tomorrow it’s going to be just me and Glenn, and we’ll take it easy and watch “Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving” and maybe the parade. It’s supposed to pour rain. But as you can see from the pictures above, we’re still trying to take advantage of every break in the rain to get out into nature – to my mind, one of the most healing things around. We will try to create opportunities for celebration and joy in what has been a trying season. I wish you and yours a peaceful and joyous Thanksgiving weekend, however you choose to celebrate – or just relax.