Creating a book manuscript, What to Do When the Lights Go Out, Managing the Holidays (with a chronic illness)

Creating a new book manuscript

I’ve been working on a new book for the last year or two, sort of intermittently, but in the last few weeks, started give serious attention to organization, sectioning, working with different titles, and figuring out things like theme and length.
I used a Word cloud of my manuscript to help me brainstorm ideas for a title. I’ve had at least three over the last six months, which means I probably don’t have “the one” yet. I’ve just exchanged manuscripts with a friend at a similar place with her book and I am so grateful because you can only look at your own book for so long before your eyes crossed. I do all the things with her MS I do with my own – print it out, read it through to see what themes pop out at me and for possible titles, mess around with it on the floor to figure out alternate organization – it all requires real paper, I think. I am very lucky to have friends who are willing to trade manuscripts with me at this point in my life. And I’m trying to do my best – since I was too sick to do much writing or submitting and lost some time this year – to get the poems from this book out into the world. I’ve included a picture of my word cloud below! I have freelance work I could be doing, but it felt like I needed to spend some time in the rainy month of November doing some creative work that helps recharge me.

: The Word Cloud from my newest manuscript

: Hummingbird on my patio

: Glenn and I clowning around in an imaginary southwest

: deer visitor

: November sunrise

: Leaves before they’re gone

What to do when the lights go out

October was beautiful this year – we saw sunshine and the turning leaves, and often we don’t get much of a fall here in the northwest – but November has kind of been a jerk. The last ten days I’ve had three power outages, one of them ten hours long – long enough to ruin the food in the fridge, get the house cold, and generally make Glenn and I cranky. November in Seattle can often be a difficult month – SAD sinks in, the weather makes it unpleasant to even walk outside briefly (even more so in a wheelchair, which manages to get your whole body way wetter than walking,) and you need to do things to cheer yourself up if you’re going to remain sane.
Here are some pics of my deer and hummingbird visitors, a vivid November sunrise, our maple leaves before they were all swept to the ground in the most recent sudden rainstorm. Following the advice of longtime northwesterners, we’ve ordered a generator and a battery-powered lantern – my Kindle never works when our internet goes out, and I couldn’t read worth a darn with a candle or the led flashlights we had. This will help us survive the next power outage when it comes. But it brings me to the metaphor – what do you do to help light your life when the darkness seems oppressive?
Lately, my dabbling in art and my writing and reading has not quite been enough to keep from feeling tense and blue. The frequent doctor appointments and more dentists in my near future (I broke another tooth) – may not be adding to the usual November depression. Glenn took me out to see “Murder on the Orient Express,” the first movie we’d been out to in a while, and we also did some clowning around with some fake “southwest” scenery to warm us up at our local store, Molbak’s, during their art and wine night (which was so rainy and windy we could barely get through the doorway without being blown away). It’s hard sometimes when you’re not feeling your best and the weather’s unpleasant to push yourself into going out, seeing people, trying new activities – but it seems really important to maintaining sanity! I’m trying to get over a two-week cold so I can go socialize with some friends, too – another important aspect to keeping your cheer in the face of 4 PM darkness and time-change-and-power-outage-related crappy nights of sleep. I’m hoping to be well enough to get to some poetry readings soon, something to look forward to in between doctor’s and dentist’s offices and even more MRIs. Also, I need to remind myself the darkness in temporary – and the solstice is coming soon, and the days will start getting longer again.

Handling the Holidays When you have a chronic illness

It can be hard to make the holidays fun when you have a chronic illness or have a loved one with a chronic illness. If, like me, you have a weak immune system and manage to get pneumonia every time you fly, it means you might not be celebrating with your out-of-town family. It can also be hard to force cheer when dealing with your body’s little and big failures. I ordered holiday cards and was joking with Glenn about writing a holiday letter that captured my admittedly pretty crappy last year – “Hey, friends and family, the good news is I’m not dying of cancer. The bad news is, I’ve got multiple sclerosis. Happy holidays!” Just kidding, of course. Fake cheer is not good for the soul, but neither do you want to be a major bummer to your friends and family.

I think the key is, to moderate your expectations – maybe fewer activities, but doing the things that bring you the most joy – scheduling in visits with friends and family that make you feel happy, maybe including the rituals that are meaningful (putting up holiday lights, going to the holiday light shows – lights are a big thing for me!), but ditching others (Glenn and I will probably skip a fancy Thanksgiving dinner this year). One thing I wanted to do this year was show gratitude for the people who really showed up for me in my last year of health crises, friends who sent me flowers and cards and came to sit with me as I was recovering from my terrible MS episode in August and was stuck at home, barely able to move or eat. So I’m going to try to figure out a way to express love and gratitude this holiday season for the unexpected and generous actions from so many. I want to try to enjoy the season even if my body isn’t able to go out and do as much as I’d like or I have to give up on the notions of having picture-perfect holidays during a year where my doctors keep telling me how lucky I am to be walking on a cane four months after my severe flare. I’m encouraging Glenn to use some of his vacation days to do nothing related to holiday “chores,” just relaxing the way we want – no pressure. The days when we’re together with nothing scheduled can end up being the best days, a real luxury.

The Next Step in the MS Process, and Thoughts on Poetry Costs and Middle-Aged Poets

The Next Step in the MS Process

For those of you following my health journey, I thought I’d give an update. I met with a third neurologist this week and found that he was both “intrigued and concerned” by my case and was very knowledgeable about what was going on with me. The bad news was the brain damage from the new lesions was more extensive than I originally thought – and the doctor pointed out areas of damage versus areas of inflammation. The vertigo and nausea I have been experiencing, he thought, were definitely caused by a large dark lesion in the center of my brain stem. I have about sixteen lesions, clustered in a certain way that seems consistent with MS. The lesions were large and described as “angry.” One of the funnier things he said was ‘With this amount of brain damage, I’d expect your symptoms to be much worse.” So he was pleased with the progress I’d made since August, even though my walking still includes a lot of stumbling and shaking. He also showed me the pictures of a “typical MS” brain compared to my own – and they were almost identical. He thought the only testing needed was a few more blood tests and another MRI to get the MS treatment go ahead from the insurance – and I now have the official diagnosis of “CNS Demyelinating Disease” on my charts. Virginia Mason is also known to have some of the best vestibular physical therapy in town, even though this neurologist said the treatment is more successful with people whose lesions are outside the brain stem, not in the center of it, he was willing to write me a prescription to see if it helps. I was pleased with both the fact that he had researched my case and the specifics of my other conditions and seemed interested in talking to my other doctors, because that will be important when we start talking possible MS treatment options. We’re set to talk again before Thanksgiving.

And, my first official post as an MS-blogger is up at HealthCentral! On helping you understand your new MS diagnosis and the books I liked: https://www.healthcentral.com/article/books-for-ms-newly-diagnosed

: Snow this morning!

: Our front yard, autumn

: Autumn Leaves on Halloween

: Snow rose

Here are a few pics if you’re interested in what the Northwest looks like in fall. Pretty leaves – then – suprise – snow!

The other ideas that have been occupying my mind has been two discussions about poetry on Facebook.

Disappearing Midlife Poets

One was about midlife and mid-career poets being overlook and ignored. I wrote a little bit about this a few years ago, using Ellen Bass as a test case for this phenomenon in women (though the discussion on Facebook was started by a male poet, an old blogger friend who also happens to be a pretty good critic.) Here’s a link to the essay on The Rumpus in case you are interested:
http://therumpus.net/2016/01/the-amazing-disappearing-woman-writer-on-ellen-bass-and-how-to-avoid-a-disappearing-act/

There was some discussion about the sheer number of books being published, and the public’s obsession with the young and the new, the first book, and the scarcity of attention paid to poetry overall. As a poet with five books now, it does seem like it is hard to get attention when you’re not sparkly and new and sending around your first book. Especially if you don’t have a large press or amount of publicity behind your book. So it’s a question of why do you publish in the first place, and if you are comfortable with being read by a small number of people, and how hard you want to work to be heard in the crowded market.

How Much Should You Spend on Fees While Trying to Get Your Poetry Book Published?

The other conversation, which seems somehow related, was by a younger poet who was wondering if she was spending too much on first book contest fees and reading fees. It’s expensive! So it’s a good question. The truth is you can spend $1000 in a year easily if you’re not pretty picky about where you send your book. But the other truth is, you’re poetry is probably only a good fit for about a fourth of those markets. Traditional publishers and experimental publishers won’t like your work easily – and cutting-edge, youth-oriented publishers are looking for something different than Copper Canyon or Graywolf. My advice was to set a budget for yourself for the year, and try to include a mix of fee-based contests or open readings and places that allow you to query or send your manuscript for free, which will help your poetry dollar go farther. Also, be sure to do some research – like, at least looking at a book from the library from the presses you’re sending to. That will help ensure you’re sending to places you at least know you like. Also, send to places that have sent you notes or liked your work or made your MS a finalist in the past. (That’s for poets who’ve been at this for a while.) For the big contests, like Yale Younger or Walt Whitman, I certainly don’t have any winning tips, but I think you should at least try for them, because who knows? Those are really like the lottery. Also, in the meantime, build up your poetry audience by sending your individual poems out to lit mags and trying out your social media outlets – Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, etc. It’s never too early to think about how you’re going to help promote your book when it finally does come out.

Halloween Poetry and the End of Fall Sunshine in the Pacific Northwest

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Looking for scary poems? I wanted to post at least a few spooky poems since, after all, I am a speculative poet, sometimes even a horror poet, so, here are three poems from Field Guide to the End of the World.
In honor of the new Blade Runner, here’s “Sentient or Replicant,” and in light of today’s political revelations, here’s “Introduction to Conspiracy Theories,” and one of my favorites from the book, “At the End of Time (Wish You Were Here).” Click on each poem to make it bigger.

And in case you missed it, let me direct your attention to Barrelhouse’s October blog spooky poetry feature. This one has three poems by me, but if you go to the archives on the right of the blog, you can read 30 days of spooky poetry! Thanks to Killian Czuba who curated this month’s work!

The Last Evidence of Sunshine in the Pacific Northwest

These pictures are evidence of the end of the sunshine in the spooky Pacific Northwest. I have scary and sincere pumpkin bogs (yes, those pumpkins are growing out of the bog,) Snoqualmie Falls at flood stage along with the made-famous by Twin Peaks Snoqualmie Lodge (which stands in for Great Northern Lodge), and various pictures of changing leaves and pumpkins. This week the high is supposed to be in the 40s and of course, rain, and the time change will make everything a bit gloomier. Oh well! At least I’ll have these sunshiney pictures!

: Glenn and I at Bob’s Pumpkin Farm

: Snoqualmie Falls at flood level

: Glenn took this pic of me with the fall colors at Snoqualamie Falls’ trail

: Twin Peaks, anyone? (Note the Lodge in the background..)

: Glenn and I in some late sunlight at the falls

: A Pumpkin Bog..spooky!

My Rumpus Review of Beth Ann Fennelly’s Heating & Cooling, the Arrival of the Big Dark, and Poetry Angst

New Rumpus Review of Beth Ann Fennelly’s Heating & Cooling by Me
http://therumpus.net/2017/10/heating-cooling-by-beth-ann-fennelly/First of all, check out my review of Beth Ann Fennelly’s book of micro-memoirs, Heating & Cooling, up on The Rumpus. And here is a picture of my lovely kitten Sylvia posing with the book! Beth Ann Fennelly has been a favorite poet of mine for a long time – I taught her books when I taught – and I very much looked forward to seeing what she was doing in her new book!

Poetry Angst

I have been hearing a lot of Poetry Angst on the social medias these last weeks. People who can’t write poems anymore, who don’t want to send out their work as it seems under-rewarding, who are just tired, who published a book of poetry and found the experience disheartening. I was thinking of when I started a poetry blog back in in the early 2000s, you would hear from lots of different poets from lots of stages in their careers about their poetry anxieties regularly, but things like Twitter (too short) and Facebook (encourages people to post only the happy stuff) have decreased the amount we writers hear from each other about the struggles we might have. I realized yesterday as I made a mental list that a lot – a LOT – of my old poetry blogging buddies have dropped out of the poetry game altogether – they’re writing in other genres, or they’re working too hard/had kids/other things that just got in the way. Or poetry just didn’t reward them as much as other genres (see above, Beth Ann Fennelly’s book of micro-memoir essays – which is probably having an easier time selling than a book of poetry would.) It’s too bad, because a lot of the poets who aren’t publishing or writing much poetry were really good writers who I admired as people and as poets. And I love reading good poetry.

It made me think about quitting poetry, especially with the MS stuff going on. I mean, no one is holding us hostage and forcing us to write poems. No one would probably even notice if I stopped writing new poems or sending out work for, say, a year, to literary magazines – and no one would cry if I never published another book of poetry. I definitely do not not make enough money from poetry to make it a huge priority. These are just facts. With my new neurological problems, of course I’ve been thinking harder about exactly what I put my energy into, now that showering is a major feat and energy is not renewable, so to speak – if I do a lot one day, I’ve got to rest the next. How can I decide if poetry is still worth doing, especially now that so many of my friends have fallen by the wayside? I am still writing pretty regularly – and when I write, it’s usually poems – so the urge to write has not disappeared. Maybe the urgency to publish has waned a bit? I really appreciate the folks who write to say they liked a certain poem and I’m certainly appreciative of those who buy one of my five books – but who would really complain if I just…didn’t publish any more? Yes, every writer, not just poets, has doubts and concerns, times when trying to do stuff seems tougher and less rewarding. If you feel like this, you are not alone. Days grow gloomier at the end of the year, and boy, this has been one challenging year – not just for me, but for a lot of us. Don’t beat yourself up if you need some downtime.

The Big Dark Arrives, and Some Pictures of the Last Sunshine

Yes, October 15 arrived along with its usual companion, what we in the Northwest call “The Big Dark.” It starts getting dark much earlier, and each day is punctuated not by the arrival of rain or not, but by how much rain. It’s a gloomy time, which is why we Northwesterners like to run around like maniacs and take pictures in the few days of sunshine fall affords us. You can’t see it here in the pictures, but these are taken since I transitioned from a wheelchair to a cane, which affords me a lot more independence and cheers me up. Every little bit helps! Here are a few of Glenn and I enjoying our last remnants of sunshine:

: Glenn and I at Serres farm – barn, pumpkins, flowers

: Glenn and I in a pumpkin display

: Glenn and I caught in the corn

: Glenn and I at the Japanese Gardens

: Japanese Garden changing colors

Three New Spooky Poems at Barrelhouse, the New Poet’s Market 2018, and more Halloween-y madness

Hey guys! Are you in the mood for some scary, spooky poems? Barrelhouse is hosting them all month and today three of mine are up: “Cancer Scare,” “Self-Portrait as Film Noir Villainess,” and “Lessons Learned From Final Girls.”

Yesterday the new Poet’s Market 2018 came in the mail, which contains 4 articles by me on things like starting a poetry group, promoting your new book, and strange places for poetry readings, and an exclusive webinar – that’s right, webinar, my first! So be sure to go get your own copy. Here’s Sylvia modelling the book! I also picked up my friend Juliana Gray’s new book appropriate for Halloween, Honeymoon Palsy – check out that cover! Sylvia’s modelling that book too.

I’ve been making some headway with my physical and occupational therapy and have more neurologist tests and appointments scheduled in November. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to get out and enjoy some fall activities before the rain permanently descends on us – pumpkin patches, the zoo to see the new snow leopard cub and new giraffe baby, and the last roses of the season. I’m making the transition now to being able to move around the house with a cane, which increases my feelings of independence quite a bit. I’m still having some frustrating neurological symptoms (my legs and hands give out when I’m tired, and I’m sometimes having trouble swallowing) but hoping to be back to a lot of my normal activities soon. These little outings have been positive experiments in getting back to doing fun things instead of just medical things. I also watched “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” to get myself in the mood for the increasingly dark and gloomy October weather that’s coming, and we’ve started baking in advance. I’m looking out at the last sunshine we’re supposed to have for a while…I better try to get out and enjoy it today!