The Aurora (or FireFoxes in the Sky), Signs of Summer Already Here, and How Sometimes I Don’t Feel Like a Writer

The Aurora (or FireFoxes in the Sky)

Awe-inspiring? Yes? I finally understand the big deal about the Northern Lights! Why so many myths. The Ainu people of Japan believed a child conceived under the Northern Lights would have a particularly lucky life. One Finnish myth involves Firefoxes running so fast they left sparks in the sky. Vikings believed in the reflection of the shields of the Valkyrie. I understood, when I saw what looked like an opening in heaven with streams reaching down to earth, why people believe in aliens or gods, or like some of the Alaskan peoples, the spirits of whales and seals in the sky. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced just out on my back porch, watching all these lights move around, snapping pics with my cameras (our eyes are capable of seeing less of the color of the Northern lights than even a cellphone camera!) There were people out there walking on our street, all looking up at the sky and snapping pictures, and I felt that community, you know, the feeling of being together experiencing something beautiful.

Me and Glenn in Kirkland

Signs of Summer

The last couple days have been in the eighties and the wildfires have already started in Canada. Also, two sure harbingers of summertime here—my birds, the goldfinches and black-headed grosbeaks.

Unfortunately, along with the warm weather came some troubling health symptoms returning—unexplained fevers and hives, for instance. More MS symptoms, which is typical with the heat, I know to expect it. I am looking forward to working more on my next book manuscript in June at my writing retreat.

Ducklings

Sometimes I Don’t Feel Like a Writer

I’ll be honest. I haven’t been writing or submitting much lately. My latest book project is mostly done (I need to do some pruning…) and I haven’t had the inspiration to start a new one yet. If you go so many days without writing a poem or thinking about poetry, you can start to…not feel like a writer. I mean, I’ve been writing poems since grade school, I’ve been publishing stuff since I was a teenager, but even so, sometimes other things in my life—like being sick—take up all my time and energy, and all I have the mental energy to do is maybe watch a movie I’ve seen before or listen to an audiobook. I’ve also been doing some spring cleaning—eliminating things, mostly—which is exhausting. Is this MS, or midlife, or the fact that I’ve been sick for over a month with a mystery illness the doctors can’t seem to figure out or treat while I go to appointments and get blood drawn and get MRIs. Ugh. I have hope that the writing residency upcoming in June will give me a boost, but honestly, I’m just feeling disconnected from the writing world—which let’s face it, has had a lot of ugliness in it lately—and even from poetry. It’s been a while since I read a poetry book that I was like, “Wow!” about. Once again, sometimes it’s hard for me to distinguish what’s happening physically to my body (pain, hives, weakness, fatigue, etc) and what’s going on emotionally and mentally. Usually, like Taylor Swift sings, “I’m so productive…it’s an art” but not lately. I was trying to find paid work for a while (we still haven’t gotten our ADA bathroom remodel started due to lack of funds) which maybe was a bit dispiriting. I feel old and unwanted and like the current batch of editors at lit mags are not even interested in the kind of thing I write anyway, so why send anything out? This is not a pity party, but I wonder if anyone else is feeling this kind of disconnect from writing and the writing world? Is this part of getting older? Or part of being sick? I can’t tell!

Still, it’s exciting to see ducklings on my daily walk (when I’m up for one of those) or see something as spectacular as the Northern Lights. I still feel happy with most of my life, honestly, I just feel annoyed that my health problems take up so much time and money and energy, and keep me from doing anything I actually want to do. And the fact that summer—with its heat (and MS symptoms) and wildfires (allergy and asthma symptoms) is coming, I know it’s not my best season, despite the proliferation of summer flowers and blue skies.

What do you do when you don’t feel like a writer? Comments welcome!