Happy May! Some Results, and Trying to Get Back My Mojo
- At May 12, 2016
- By Jeannine Gailey
- In Blog
- 10
Happy May!
I’ve been trying to process all my news, including the fact that (yay!) I don’t most likely have metastatic cancer (this, according to a conference of liver tumor specialists including radiologists and hematologists and oncologists) which is good! But I do have a bunch of irregular and rare kinds of liver tumors which they are calling adenomatosis – basically a rare/irregular presentation of an already rare kind of tumor. The bad news is they want to keep monitoring them every three months – because they can burst or turn into cancer sometimes – and they want me off the medication that’s been controlling my rare bleeding disorder for the last twenty years. Yikes! On top of that, I’m investigating (again) more stuff about the brain lesions, because of the new one that looks like it could be one of several bad things, so, more radiation second and third readings and second opinions from neurologists are ahead. Can’t I ever be just average or anything? I was joking with my friends that I’ve become “the most interesting woman in the world” – but only medically speaking. (My liver specialist said they did my case first at the conference, because it was so interesting and difficult!)
So, in the meantime, I’m once again trying to manage and balance all the health stuff with an ACTUAL life, like, writing and friends and doing things other than sitting in doctor’s offices and getting tests. It’s been unseasonably warm here in the Northwest, so, even though I would never wear shorts after 40, yes, I gave in and bought three pair. I’ve been out walking through parks and the woods almost very single day, and so far so good on the ankles and tripping/falling issues. I’m trying to get my strength back after back-to-back ankle injuries earlier this year. I’ve been eating tons of fresh veggies and fruits (cherries on the side of the road!) and bringing home flowers every week. This whole health crisis has made me even more aware of the necessity of being good to your body as much as possible.
And everywhere there are signs of spring – in the deep woods the trillium, ducklings along the Sammamish river, baby bunnies, yellow iris along the waterfront and our quarterly pilgrimage to Snoqualmie Falls and Ollalie State Park. It’s a reminder – life goes on, nature is ruffling itself with blossoms. It’s hard to be depressed with so much sunshine!
Now I want – despite upcoming doctor’s appointments, stresses, and even more tests – to move myself out of crisis mode and into writer mode again. I haven’t been writing or sending out as much as I usually do this whole year so far, and of course we’re still looking for a house in our insane East Side/Seattle market (record high prices! record low inventory! record..sigh.) I’m ready for my next chapters, with the whole “dying of cancer” scenario off the table, at least temporarily. (Everything is temporary, you remind yourself. Often.)
I’d love to know how you have moved yourself out of a tough time back into your regular creative routines. I know there’s an adjustment period, a kind of getting back into not just a “normalized” state of mind, but I want to start to look forward again, instead of having a fear that you shouldn’t even plan for a future that might not come true.
Jan Priddy
You ask how someone gets back to writing after a crisis. My crises have been only selfish and mild, so I am not wise in these things, but after a blank wall for a year or more, I did something easy. Like lying to myself about going for a “short” walk—I will just go to the edge of the road and come home. Then when I get to that edge, I decide to walk a bit further into the forest. Oh. And not thinking if I should or can or want to, because you know I want to. I give myself permission to want.
Jan Priddy
ooo&xxx’s!
Kate
I had no idea you were going through all this. Good news, at least, better news.
You are doing everything right. Keep up with the smiles at nature and breaths of spring, breathing in life, exhaling stress.
Life Goes On
Ivy
That’s great news, Jeannine! Long may the temporary state last.
After disruption, reading novels (graphic novels, audiobooks) helps me return to normalcy. Then I can level up to maybe looking at an email or two, or writing down the various steps to a big task and crossing off the easy ones first. It may even be something as simple as looking at recent poems and thinking about which journals might like them.
Wishing you a gentle adjustment period! xx
Alison H.
Keep doing what you’re doing, Jeannine, that’s all good stuff. And Reiki, reiki, reiki. I’ve never had a regular writing life, so no advice there. I just ride the waves of family care and activities, music, dance, Reiki circle and practice, go through periods of writing and not writing, though I am getting religious about keeping a journal. Things do come out of that. Your blog may serve the same purpose. I still occasionally get bouts of rage at the mechanistic system of health care and insurance companies….but now I have alternatives. I think docs are good for putting people back together when they are broken but I don’t see what good pumping radiation or poison or cutting organs out of people does. I would trust a good medical intuitive and energy healers over diagnostic tests or these treatments anytime, but that’s just me and my experience and reading. And we can integrate different modalities if we feel the need. Yes, everything is temporary, we are all mortal, and there are no guarantees….but in the face of that, look at what you have already accomplished and give yourself a bunch of pats on the back. You’ve worked hard at your writing and getting it out into the world, and you have a lovely supportive husband. All the medical angst has got to be good for something–but I’m just not sure what! Probably helping other people not feel so alone in their own struggles….
Jeannine Gailey
Thanks for all your good advice and good wishes. They really help!
Lesley Wheeler
So glad the scariest diagnosis is off the table! For what it’s worth, I’d say establishing routines can move you forward, even if at first you’re not so productive. Commitment for a morning walk, for instance, then two hours of work, then break, then two more hours… I’m having trouble motivating myself to do submissions, too, and when nothing’s happening, I just read poetry books and magazines, figuring that prepares me to submit, in a way.
Karen
This is great news! You have been in my thoughts every day! Here’s hoping the great news (and nice weather) will help you find your writer’s mojo again….
Tom
Remember your own advice: “why does this matter?”
After surviving my ambulance ride, few things bother me and only important items take my attention. Do what you love. Humility empowers great writing.
Nola Garrett
Three years ago, I was diagnosed with primary biliary cholangitis, a rare auto-immune disease that affects the liver. I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t write poetry. The break through came when Mike Simms of Autumn House Press asked me to write a blog for coalhillreview.com. I found that at least I could write prose. It was my turning point.