Mother’s Day and its Lessons and revelations re: Self-Pity Versus Self-Care

Stay with me. It will all come together.

I used to get really twitchy on Mother’s Day. In my twenties, it was because I resented the existence of a guilt-based holiday that was supposed to be a feminist, anti-war holiday before it got co-opted by governments and corporations (and look that up! The true origins of Mother’s Day are fascinating.) In my thirties, it was because of the “can’t have kids” thing – it just made me miserable to be celebrating something I could never be. See? Self-pity and anger-based stuff, right?

But I’ve started having revelations since I turned 40, just like everyone told me I would. One of them was – I can celebrate Mother’s Day with no resentment or guilt or feelings of loss these days. My mom wasn’t perfect, but she taught me several important operating principles of my life, including:

• All mythologies and religions come from a collective subconscious. (Not sure who taught her Jung and Campbell, but it sure stuck with her and she taught it to me when she was still reading me nursery rhymes.)
• The most important thing about any religion, and specifically, Christianity, is love. To love other people. Which, you know, if you’ve read the Bible, pretty much checks out.
• Never go into the kitchen, because you might not escape. (And consequently, I’ve never cooked much. And my husband is thinking of putting together a cookbook! So, it all works out.) And in terms of housework, it’s important to be clean (as in germs) but not neat, so embrace the messy. Let the children and animals on the good furniture, throw a party every once in a while and don’t worry if the house isn’t perfect as long as the bathrooms are sparkling, etc.

I had this other revelation: you cannot control other people and they all have free will. Hmmm.

And this third: I was reading a British magazine that had a short article in it about the practice of self-pity, which it seems women encourage each other in the practice of, versus the practice of self-care, which is much more healthy. Instances of this would include – doing something smart about the people you choose to date instead of whining to your girlfriends about your boyfriends all being jerks, and considering why you’ve decided on the guys or girls you’ve decided on in the past in the first place. Quitting a job you hate and actively searching for a new one instead of constantly complaining about it to others, who will only absently pat you on the back for a while before they lose interest anyway. If you have health problems, um, as I have been known to have, do the smart things for your health – take the medications you’re supposed to take, do the type of exercise (or, in my case, the type of rest from exercise) you’re supposed to do, eat the things that make you feel good rather than things that make you feel bad. You know what I’m saying. Get your sleep instead of staying up worrying all the time about stuff you can’t change (see previous revelation.) Read a book for fun once in a while, do something that feeds your brain and soul, go to a museum, walk in a park. If you’re on the computer or your smartphone all the time, get away from them for a bit every day. This all sounds like sensible, rational advice, right? But the article I read pointed out how our culture – via books, television characters, other women’s behavior – kind of encourages women to tell other women “It’s all right, it’s not your fault your job/boyfriend/life/money situation sucks” when really, that’s not helping – there’s usually something that needs to change and until it changes, you, my friend, will remain miserable. Huh. For some reason this article hit me with a real punch.

So, for me, this means – instead of whining about not having enough money, I’m going to seek out better-paying work. Instead of feeling like poetry is killing me – (I possibly took too much on in the last year, which leads to this kind of burnout) – I want to enjoy poetry again. I want to spend time with people I enjoy spending time with, and I want to make good friends a priority again. Spending time doing things I actually want to do instead of what I feel I have to do. Resting when my body tells me to rest (like, if you dislocate a rib or sprain an ankle, genius, you probably aren’t resting enough.) Prioritizing health stuff even when it’s a pain in the ass to do it (yes, make that dentist appointment.) Spend more time with animals and in nature. You know, self-care versus self-pity. It seems like Mother’s Day is a good day to kick off this kind of thinking, doesn’t it? Because in the end, we all have to learn to “mother/nurture” ourselves.

Reading Report from Jack Straw, More Family Matters, and Spring Brings Some Serious Pondering

Friday’s reading at Jack Straw, just a day or so from the May Day violence downtown and on the same night as readings by legends like Rae Armantrout and Kwame Dawes (both of whom I was genuinely sorry to miss!)…well, let’s just say my expectations for audience were modest, especially considering the mild sunny weather, nearly perfect. But no – it was packed! I even saw some old friends I hadn’t seen in a while who decided to come out, which was great. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed listening to the other Jack Straw readers, in particular poet Emily Perez who read fairy tale poems and a really touching tribute to her father.

Unfortunately, I had new bad news about my family that night – this time, the wife and stepson of one of my older brothers were in a car accident while I was at the reading and strangely, they also diagnosed my sister-in-law, because of the x-rays, with pretty advanced pneumonia. My parents – including my mom, who has just gone through her own health crisis – went to the hospital to help out. Yikes! Any good thoughts directed towards my family would be appreciated.

And thank goodness for Saturday clinic hours – I ended up at the doctor’s yesterday, on a beautiful blooming May Saturday at 75 degrees, diagnosed with yet another respiratory infection. I do end up sick after readings quite a bit, it seems. But it didn’t stop me from going out on some wonderful strolls looking at goslings under willow trees, little new baby rabbits (or “minibuns” – which makes them sound delicious, doesn’t it?) and the now-fading blossoms of lilac and cherry and apple in Woodinville and Redmond. I figure, my by-now shredded nerves worrying about my family needed a little distraction. I haven’t been able to write much the last week and have thought about things like, should I have my parents move in with me, or close to me, as they get older? Can I help take care of them? Is it irresponsible of me to try to be a poet in a time when money is so tight? Yet, this kind of angst seems wrong in such beautiful weather…

Hope you all had a wonderful Star Wars day and free comic book day yesterday, and today, a lovely Cinco de Mayo!