Sick in September, an Article on CBD Oil, and Stuck in the In-Between

Sunflowers

Sick in September – Down But Not Out

Well, I got a rejection (well, a “semifinalist” for one of my book manuscripts, which still feels like a big no) and I’ve been fighting off multiple fall illnesses and feel terrible. I’m lying in bed and drinking ginger tea and I’ve already done a week of antibiotics and vitamins and sleeping way too much. Now, usually, Facebook, reminds me, on this week on most years I’m in the hospital for pneumonia or MS-related vomiting or something else fun, so really, I’m up from the other years, so…yay? Anyway, I applied for a big ole grant (that required 4 (!!) recommenders – thank you to those that offered, I really appreciate it) and revised my book manuscripts yet again. Still feel like sleeping through all day and all night. The weather person keeps telling us it’s been colder and wetter here than usual.

I did have an article come out for Folks PillPack, on CBD oil for MS pain, in case you’d like to read it, called “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learning to Love CBD Oil for Chronic Pain.” I haven’t written that many personal essays about health stuff – I mean, journalistic writing is something different than a personal article, you know? So I’d appreciate your thoughts on it.

Glenn took this picture with the “Sweet/Hot” peppers sign.

Feeling a Bit…In Between

Have you ever had a period of your life where you felt like nothing was really settled, when you felt like you were in between big things? I’m a Taurus so I don’t like being unsettled. I’ve lost some sources of income that were steady for some years, so I have to think of new ways to bring in income with my current level of health/disability. I can’t travel as much as I’d like. I haven’t had a book come out in three years, which to me, feels like a long pause. I have these two great book manuscripts I’m sending around, and I’m getting nibbles, and I’m getting to “finalist” but not “winner,” and that can be frustrating. My health is better than it was last year, but not by so much that I’m suddenly able to do everything I want – the gains, with MS, seem to be incremental rather than huge steps.

So what do we do with the times in between, like I’m going through now? Sometimes we wait and rest. We try to get a little perspective. The seasons are changing. We just had a beautiful Harvest moon, in between rainstorms.

Harvest Moon – a Big Mood

I was talking to my little brother about “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.” It’s just Jerry Seinfeld driving around with various comedians, and often it is unfunny, uncomfortable, and thought-provoking. Comedians are sad by nature. The way they talk about comedy is the way writers talk about writing. Recently Eddie Murphy was featured, and he seemed really melancholy, distant. When I was a teenager he was such a big star. I remember seeing Louis Black on the show and I wrote down this quote: “Importance is the worst thing to put on art…if you think this is important, you’re screwed before you write the first word.” In between gigs, or the highs of careers, comedians are awkward and thoughtful, thinking hard about how to make people laugh, as hard as poets might think about creating their next poem. I have started going to therapy since my cancer and MS diagnoses, and my therapist suggested I should do stand-up. I was like, that’s the only place where I could get paid less and be treated with less respect than poetry. You don’t like being a woman in the poetry world? Try stand up! Also, I’m not sure my jokes about illness would kill with a real-life audience; I have a very specific sense of humor.

Glenn and I at the gardens at Willows Lodge in late September

Anyway, this is how un-energetic I’ve been – I started this blog post three days ago, and I’m finally finishing it tonight. It’s been cold and rainy, with brief breaks of weak sun, and I haven’t been up to doing much, but Glenn and I took a stroll at the nearby Willows Lodge gardens and I saw the most beautiful blue delphiniums. Such a surprising flower to see at the end of September, when you feel like flowers are the least likely to be at their most beautiful.

I am inspired by being outside, in nature, and even when I’m not at 100 percent I try to do what I can to remind me about what is beautiful in the world, why we keep on fighting to stay in it, why we bother with the whole struggle. Gardening requires a lot of hard work – a lot of plants that don’t take, or that get eaten by deer or rabbits, or the plant gets rotted underground. You take care of the garden because the moments of beauty are the reward. It’s the same with poetry. You send out your work, it mostly gets rejected, sometimes it gets published, and you’re reminded by a kind note from a friend or a good review why you bother with poetry in the first place. Like being a comic, and you’re rewarded by the laughter of an audience. Gardening, Comedy, Surviving a Chronic Illness and Poetry: all require a lot of toil, a lot of faith, a lot of hope, and a lot of failure with sometimes modest results.

Blue Delphiniums in September

Anyway, now my metaphors have meandered from comparing poetry and illness to comedy and gardening, so I’ll end this post with a picture of those blue delphiniums. I wish you moments of beauty in the middle of struggle, in between the highs and lows, that remind you why you do what you do.