Success, Jealousy, Submission, and How Hard Are You Willing to Work
- At May 24, 2015
- By Jeannine Gailey
- In Blog
- 8
Well, I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sick cat, then putting her down, and a two week bout with some mystery virus that’s left me tired and worn out. I haven’t been writing, sending out, or promoting my new book enough. Enough for me to be happy with? Enough to be effective? But what does enough look like?
A little post on Medium this morning by my friend Kelli reminded me of this. This post reminded me that part of success really is, no matter what, tied to how hard you’re willing (and able) to work. You can have a ton of talent, wonderful writing, but if you don’t get it out of your head, out of your hard drive, out your door and into the world, guess what? No one will know. How women sabotage themselves by not thinking their work is good enough to send out, or, if they’re anything like me, they just think sending their work back to an editor who asks for more is “rude, because I should wait at least six months before submitting again.” Because that is what is in my head. A lot of rules that no one ever told me, that I just absorbed at some point from the world around me. I think of myself as a fairly aggressive submitter – I probably average about 20 subs at least per quarter. But maybe not aggressive enough?
A lot of the writing game is about numbers. The more you send out, most of the time, not always, but most of the time, the more you will get published. The more you write, the more you have to send out. So spending your time writing, polishing, and sending out your work will stop you from sabotaging your self. Spending your time feeling sad and listening to sad music and wishing you had things you don’t, well, that’s not so productive.
Sure, there are dream stories: the writers with 200K book deals right out of the MFA gates at 24. Poets & Writers always seems to have a lot of those quicky miracle success stories, though when I meet the poets and writers I admire in real life, they more often tell me stories of years of struggle, pain, impatience, rejection. Writers may seem to win awards and fellowships with ease; sometimes you will not feel good about it. Here’s a post I happened upon today, and I encourage you to read not just the letter and answer, but the comments, which tease out some subtleties that the letter and response, both being a little simplistic, do not: Dear Sugar on Writer Jealousy. Because there are some truths in the letter, the response, and the comments. Seeing people get the things you want and work for sometimes hurts. Sometimes that’s because we’re entitled, maybe, as Sugar suggests. Sometimes it’s because we feel insecure, as some of the commenters suggest. Do those feelings do us any good? Maybe, if it motivates us. Maybe, if it keeps us writing and sending out work.
I was thinking about the difference between my thirties, when I was more optimistic and energetic, maybe more insecure too, and now, in my forties, that I feel less insecure, but I’m getting worried that I’ve spent an awful lot of hours and emotional energy on something I’m never really going to get rewarded for. I genuinely feel happy when good things happen to my friends, even acquaintances, because I think: those people genuinely deserve it. They’ve worked hard, they’re great writers, and I think, yay, the system works! When it doesn’t happen for me, but it happens for them, at least it happened to someone good, someone who deserved it.
These days, and maybe it’s not just physical, I feel tired. Tired of sending things out to rejection or worse, no response at all. (It happens.) Tired of putting out my best efforts, to feel like they fall into a vacuum. I mean, for poets, this is normal, right? Most of the time, poets not only don’t win at life (historically, there’s a lot of consumption, alcoholism, and suicide in this line of work), they don’t get paid, they don’t get recognition, no one notices what they do. I’ve talked before about average book sales for poets. What is the real bar for this thing I think of as “poetry success?” What’s the difference between optimism and false hope? When you work as hard as you can, and the results aren’t what you’ve dreamed of, what then? I was just reading the comments of several women on Facebook, older than me, who have become so discouraged they haven’t stopped writing, but they’ve stopped even being interested in sending out work ever again. I hope that doesn’t happen to me. I am willing to work, but I worry that the discouragement gets to you over time, that the constant doubt, disappointment, and rejection somehow rewire our brains to think “I will never be successful at writing, so I give up.” I sometimes think, if I don’t get a “sign from the universe,” I’m going to do something else with my time and energy. But then I write another poem.
Lesley Wheeler
For what it’s worth, I think you serve the All-Devouring Goddess Poetry in many, many ways, and you should keep at it. But it’s not bad, either, to take a hiatus and do other things if you’re experiencing a lack of faith. She’ll still be there.
Hannah Stephenson
I loved this post. There’s so much truth in it.
You mention the terrible fear that plagues many of us–“If I’m not going to be successful at writing, I should just give up now.” (And I’m glad to hear you say that then you write another poem!).
I think that the bad word here is “success.” It’s really hard to know what that looks like. I have a feeling that many of us would have a hard time defining it, too (I know that I would).
Recently, I’ve found my empowerment in advocating for the work of others (as I know that you, and so many others, do!). I try to think, How can lift up the work of the writers that I believe in? Can I help these other artists get seen? Often, this is the cure for overly focusing on my own writing (and where it ends up). It’s not that I put my writing on the back burner, but just that I see it in the context of a community. Does that make sense?
Glad you wrote this today. I enjoyed reading it.
Diane Lockward
I feel quite sure that something good is about to happen to you. It’s right around the corner though it might take its own sweet time getting to you. But often when we’re at our most discouraged something wonderful happens to remind us of how exciting writing poetry can be. Sometimes when I’ve had a few readings in a row with meagre turnout and dismal sales, I wonder why do I even bother getting into the car and giving the time for this. Then the next reading is packed and I sell a boatload of books (okay, that’s a rowboat) and I’m reminded of why I bother. Speaking of boats, we’re all in the same one.
Jeannine Gailey
Thanks, Diane. Sometimes it is good to have company in the boat 🙂
Jeannine Gailey
Thank you, Hannah. I agree that “success” is not only elusive but hard to pin down – at various stages of our lives, it meant one thing; now it means something else.
And of course advocating for the work of others is the reason I am still reviewing books after fifteen years! I don’t know how much it helps but it can’t hurt.
Jeannine Gailey
🙂 Thanks Lesley!
Yvonne Higgins Leach
This blog couldn’t have come at a more interesting time for me. My first book of books was published a year ago and I did a really good job promoting it with readings, and a website and I did have good book sales. But now a year later, I am feeling a bit of, as your title suggests, “how hard do I want to keep working.” I have had a long conversation with myself and have decided I simply love poetry and I want it in my life no matter what. So I am going to keep going to readings to support other poets and I am going to keep reading poetry and buying poetry books. I also am going to keep writing poems and sending them out for consideration and see if and when my next book comes to life. But I am not going to treat it like it’s another career. I did that for 25 years in PR for a Fortune 500 company and I just don’t have the energy to make it MY WHOLE LIFE (because that is when the pressure to succeed comes into play, for me at least). I believe I have a gift of poetry and I want to share that with the world when it’s possible. And I believe poetry is a gift to the world that I want to fully partake in.
Jeannine Gailey
Great insight, Yvonne. I think you’re right – even when things go well, it seems there is always more to do, more to give, and the boundaries can be hard to draw. Like you, I think I have to focus on the things that bring me joy in the poetry world, and maybe not worry about the rest.