Where I’ll Be at AWP, A Rhysling Nomination, Managing MS Symptoms and Anxiety Before Big Public Events: AWP Edition

“Hi, I’m the problem It’s me” Charlotte

Where I’ll Be at AWP

First of all, in case you are planning on attending AWP Seattle in, I don’t know, about four-five days, please check out my six tips for surviving AWP Seattle from last week’s post.

And, if you are planning to be here, and you want to say hi, get a book signed, see me read inside a very cool library, or see me talk about disability/chronic illness or publicity, then here’s where I’ll be at AWP! (*BOA’s booth number is 1232) Is this my busiest, most overloaded AWP ever? The answer is yes! Am I nervous about that? The answer is also yes!

Jeannine’s AWP schedule

Managing MS, Chronic Illness and Anxiety: The AWP Edition

This has been a bit of a week: an unexpected plumbing leak, unexpected emergency dental work, and oh yes, trying to prepare for AWP with MS, my covid worries, and the usual anxiety of how I look/act/speak/fall down a lot but larger because, you know, giant writer’s conference where I’m debuting a new book with a great new publisher and also I haven’t been to since 2019.

A lot of times writers don’t talk about the difficulties involved with the work of being a writer, which includes things like public speaking, publicity, attending conferences. If you have a disability—I use a cane for short distances, and a wheelchair for longer distances, which is obvious, but I also have problems swallowing, breathing, even things like vision and memory, which are less obvious. I also have an immune system deficiency that puts me at high risk for “bad outcomes” as the scholars write—with covid. I’m not ignoring any of that when I say I’m excited about AWP, because I am excited for a chance to see friends, to share my work, to meet my publishers, and all those good things. Am I afraid also of forgetting what I’m saying in the middle of a poem or panel, or saying the wrong word, or falling over unexpectedly, or bursting into tears for no reason (yes, a bizarre MS symptom) or getting MS-overheat-breathing issues in a mask in a close crowded space, or catching something and ending up in the hospital? Am I also afraid of mundane things like people will judge me for my age (I’m not 32 anymore) or weight (hey, you try a long diet of steroids and see how your metabolism does) or clothing (weird, but it has happened to me! Sometimes the world can be so junior high!)

So how do we manage these anxieties? Well, I re-started physical therapy with intense sessions twice a week with a therapist who understandings MS symptom management, I arranged a virtual appointment with my immunologist to talk about “what happens if I actually catch covid,” I practiced reading poetry from my new book (and found it insanely more difficult than I remember? I must be out of practice!) I actually had a PT practice session where I went to mall with noise-cancelling ear plugs and sunglasses (for neurological overload practice – lights, noise, crowds) and interacted with humans, trying on clothing, talking to a salesperson whose parent was a writer, just making small talk. At the end of the hour session at the mall – kind of a dry run for AWP—I was surprisingly tired, and also had an insane need to immediately shower. I have really nice MS therapists who talk to me about my anxiety and prescribe exercises and ways to manage. But in some ways, I just have to trust and jump in. Bad things could happen! But guess what? Maybe the good in this case outweighs the risks? I do love to talk writing and I love my writer friends and it’s just lucky that AWP happened to be in my town exactly when my new book came out. A synergy? A synchronicity? I can’t ignore the positive while swimming in my (somewhat justified) fears. Anyway, if you are dealing with some version of this yourself, I hope this made you feel less alone and less afraid. If you, like me, are coming out of a three-year bubble, yes, this will feel weird, even dangerous. This is just the beginning for me of a bunch of events—yes, in person events—surrounding the launch of Flare, Corona, a book in which I am more vulnerable and open about my health problems than any that I have written. These steps—having a frank discussion with therapists about my anxiety, having a frank discussion about my immune system problems with an immunologist, jumping into regular physical therapy after a long absence, and practicing being inside enclosed spaces with multiple humans I don’t know— are my way of being proactive about things I absolutely don’t control.

A Rhysling Nomination for “Cassandra as Climate Scientist”

A big thank you to whoever nomination me for a Rhysling award for my poem in the California Quarterly, “Cassandra as Climate Scientist.” I have quite a few Cassandra poems that have built up over the last couple of years, and I’m happy this one found a home and someone thought enough to it to nominate it for the Rhysling, which is an award done by the Science Fiction and Speculative Writers Association. I hope you enjoy reading it here.

From California Quarterly