Having lately been enmeshed in dealing with the tedious business of attending to my many, various, and “surprising” (see previous post) health problems, I have started looking for the upside. Remember the character Mr. Glass, played by Samuel L. Jackson in “Unbreakable,” the supervillain with brittle-bone syndrome? Perhaps I too am destined to become such a supervillain. Then I started thinking, researching – what are the basic requirements for becoming not just a villain(ess), but a supervillain(ess)? I mean, these bizarre phsyical disorders I’ve been born with must mean that this is the next glamorous career route I should be looking at. Let’s see, besides these surprising defects of anatomy I just learned about (including something called a horseshoe kidney!) – I grew up next to secret nuclear weapon testing site, had an eccentric robot scientist father, and I love spandex. Just kidding. I really hate spandex. I do have the requisite collection of high-heeled boots, however. Also, supervillains are obsessed with superheroes. Remember Mr. Glass’s comic book art collection? And I have a chapbook devoted to female comic book superheroes. See the similarities?

OK, here’s my list of job requirements for a supervillain. Do you have any to add?

Job Requirements for Supervillain-dom

1. Growing up near secret nuclear testing site.
2. Father (or mother) eccentric scientist of some sort.
3. Isolated childhood, possibly due to dangerously high IQ (preferable: someone at sometime in your life has referred to you as a “super-genius,”) exclusion from childhood activities due to physical limitations or appearance-or-personality-oriented prejudices, etc. Multiple traumatic incidents welcome.
4. Physical limitations such as a serious disease or deformity, due to mutation, or, just as acceptably, an accident involving the creation of powerful new scientific weaponry and/or interaction with superhero, preferred.
5. Adult antisocial behavior and unwillingness to participate in group activities, such as religious, civic, or therapy meetings.
6. Dangerous lack of respect for authority figures, especially physically-extra-capable authority figures, such as superheroes, police and world governments.
7. A fashionable knack for skin-tight costumes, accessorized with masks, hooks and utility belts for men, masks, high-heeled boots and long nails for women.
8. Evil laugh and/or flamboyant criminal signature (branding, flowers, lopped appendages) optional. Ability to deliver lines like “Beware my Doomsday Device” without giggling a must. Unless it is an evil giggle.

Frankly, there have been far too few memorable supervillainesses imho. I always liked Poison Ivy because of my previous life as an orchid-cross-fertilizing, tomato-cloning botany student. If you were a supervillain, who would you be?