What to Do When Life Rains on Your Parade

This is not a post about literal rain which, as a Northwest-type, I embrace with either a pink raincoat or a really big hummingbird umbrella. (Note: Most Northwest-types do not carry umbrellas, but then I was not born and raised here, so…)

If you’ve been following along with me here on the blog, you’ll know I’ve had some major weirdness going on in the health department that continues to be worrisome but that we’re working towards 1. getting a diagnosis on and 2. getting some treatment for active symptoms. On top of that, I’ve had some dental emergencies (oh, the fun of turning forty – all your teeth turn against you!) and some extra virus attacks (bronchitis, sinusitis, and a real, actual stomach flu in the last six weeks.) Oh, and the continuing news about the bad economy and maybe an upcoming war with Syria isn’t exactly a blast of hope and cheerfulness.

But I realized that my schedule will fill up with unpleasant things, and sometimes I have to cancel things I want to do (like the reading in Portland) which would have been fun, but that doesn’t mean I just give up and say “well, there’s no space in my life for anything fun or good.” No, because when life gets really tough, that’s when you need the fun and the good and the positive most of all. So I took a hard look at my schedule in post-Labor-Day September (a whirlwind of readings, doctor and dentist appointments) and decided that what I really needed was a good old-fashioned getaway for a weekend to a place I loved, maybe San Juan Island or Port Townsend, now that the tourists will mostly be gone and the weather will still be that cusp-of-fall weather (although hopefully sans the mugginess we just can’t seem to escape this month – very unusual for Seattle!) I decided to stop reading depressing books I wasn’t really enjoying anyway and move on to books that will be more enjoyable to read. This is the time to watch things that make you laugh (hence my MST3K DVD rentals from the library), to not be too hard on yourself (though I feel my lack of productivity for the last several days immensely – I haven’t been sleeping, writing, or sending anything out…did I mention I haven’t been able to sleep so my ability to think clearly is also lessened, my apologies if I’m rambling here) and to focus on the good, the pink raincoats and hummingbird umbrellas of life. Because life will pick you up and shake you around in its grip if you let it. The way to maintain your horizon is to remember that despite everything, there is still something beautiful, something fun, something hilarious around the edges of your life that you might miss if you don’t keep your eyes open. When I get well enough, I want to take a spontaneous day trip out to the Tacoma Zoo, where Serval kittens, clouded leopard cubs and baby tigers are waiting, to the Seattle Art Museum, where they have an exhibit on futuristic Japanese fashion.

At forty I have been around long enough to note that the worst thing that depression takes away from you – as a writer, as a human being – is the ability to look forward to something. Long-term health struggles can bring on the same feelings of hopelessness and anger and apathy. I’m frustrated when I can’t do things (like travel to a reading) that I was looking forward to, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on trying to do the small things that make me happy. The Poetryworld can also make you feel small and hopeless. But we can’t let these things – being sick, being depressed, or feeling like a failure at something we’re trying to do – define us. We choose how to define ourselves and we control what we dwell on. I may be sick in bed today, but I can dream about being a superhero. I can write a review of someone’s book, I can send work out into the world, I can try to write something that challenges me, I can call a friend I love to talk to, or even something simple like thinking about a short trip to the ocean (and its whales, otters, and seals) in September.